The Uncanny Power of a Coin Toss

You have an important decision to make and it has you in a mental quandary, your hands wringing, your stomach in knots. You've played out all the possible outcomes and still you are stuck. Paralysis by analysis.

You ask friends and family what they think and still none of the answers seem right. Not only that, you're a people pleaser by nature and there is no way to please everyone if pleasing them means taking their recipe for your solution. What a quandary.

You seek help from the professionals and it seems that they also have a list of prescriptions, some you've tried before with limited success, others haven't worked at all. Everyone has their list of shoulds for you. At least professional advice could be justified.

It seems that your seemingly complex situation has become only more complicated as you continue to look outside yourself for answers.

Then, someone tells you about a different kind of coach. They can't really put their finger on how this coach is different, only that they aren't up to usual tricks, and seeing them only a few times seemed to instigate a turnaround in their life.

"Sure," you say. "What have I got to lose at this point?"

Per your usual modus operandi, you give the coach a brief synopsis of your situation, somehow narrowing your options down to two, X and Y, and then curtly ask, "Coach, if you were me, what would you do?”

The silence that follows is deafening. The coach is slow to respond.

“Well," she says, "since I’m not you, I have no ability to answer that question, but let’s talk about how I can help you uncover the answer for yourself.”

You feel your temperature rising. You start to think to yourself, "I am paying for this??"

Then the coach takes a quarter from their pocket and says, “I’m going to flip this quarter, and if it comes up heads, you’re going to X. If it comes up tails, you're going to Y."

You're instantly back at that place in your mind where you just want someone to ease your burden, to tell you what to do.

The coach notices and hides the quarter for a moment, and smiles compassionately, disarming your frustration for a moment. "Didn't you tell me that you've asked half a dozen people or more, including professionals, what to do, and here you are still indecisive and sitting with me?"

You nod, not wanting to say what's really on your mind.

"Can we give this a shot then? I mean, what have you got to lose? It's only a coin toss."

"Sure," you mutter.

"Great," she says still smiling. "Here goes. Heads, X. Tails, Y."

You nod again.

She flips the quarter in the air and time slows to a crawl. The coin catches the light again and again as it rotates in the air, finding its arc and then beginning to fall, the coach's hand outstretched, ready to catch it and reveal your final answer.

Before she can catch the coin, you utter, to your astonishment, "OK, I want to Y."

The coach catches the coin and before you know what's happened, she's slid it back into her pocket.

"Wait," you say, astonished. "I wanted to know if it was heads or tails."

She takes another moment to respond, allowing the space between the two of you to expand. "Did you want to know? Do you want me to flip again?"

You stutter, "Well it might be different this next time."

"It might very well be different, but would it truly change the fact that you want to Y? You did say you want to Y, didn't you? When it came down to having something as senseless as a coin decide your fate, you found your inner wisdom. You weren't worried about pleasing me, or someone else, having to accept their solution to your situation. You weren't burdened by your own thinking about the situation."

"You know coach, you're right. I feel oddly at peace right now. I mean choosing X wouldn't be bad necessarily, but what I want is Y, what feels right is Y."

This is the surprising power of a coin toss. When my daughters were little I used to use this "trick" to help them see that somewhere deep inside, they knew the answer to the question they were asking.

I still use it today in my practice, not because I think that one side of the coin has the answer, but that the act of tossing a coin – being released from emotion with an inanimate object, and also knowing that this object could, if allowed, determine one's choice by mere chance – is a powerful tool for disconnecting from the outer world and connecting to the wisdom within.

Undoubtedly, you have decisions to make and you might be stuck, but remember that someone else's solution only works in their mind, from their point of view. Regardless of how much information you've given them about your situation, they still cannot see it all through your eyes.

Only you know. And you do know. A great coach or mentor will help you uncover the answer for yourself.

🖤 Runa